Kettle Sriracha (USA)

It's a fusion of unquestionable magnitude. Everyone's favourite chilli sauce combined with the Don's of the cauldron cooked crisp world. Needless to say I was super excited to spot these in the supermarket.

Once I had calmed myself down with a cold Milo, over the fact the bag was only 1/3 full, I was ready to begin examining this exciting new variety. Unfortunately, comparatively to the Australian Kettle chips, Kettle Sriracha are kind of small but they still have an exceptional crunch and the packet contained lots of folded crisps, which is important. They have that Sriracha sweetness, like someone else's mildly racist and homophobic, but still endearing, grandma. Importantly, they're not too spicy - they're a spicy crisp for the everyman. They were about as difficult to finish as they were to buy. ⋆⋆⋆⋆

Yupi Rizadas Mayonesa (Columbia)

Mayonnaise crisps... What are you thinking? Maybe you are thinking 'these two things do not belong in the same packet'. Or, maybe you are thinking 'sounds reasonable, after all I squeeze mayonnaise on hot chips'. Or maybe you are thinking 'this is a fucking outrage and I refuse to accept that these crisps exist'. Or, maybe you're mind has wandered completely and you're now thinking about cat’s balls and how we never really see them anymore and you'd forgotten they even exist. Whatever you're thinking about or whatever uneducated misconceptions you may have about Mayonnaise crisps, forget it!

These crisps are delicious. Yupi have a created a crisp with fantastic crunch. They're greasy but you'd still invite them over to meet your mother. A small ridge crinkle cut crisp - think Ruffles. The UK and Australia need to sharpen up their act because mayonnaise crisps are the way forward! ⋆⋆⋆⋆½

Sabritas Gourmet - Corte Grueso - Chile Pasilla al Vino Tinto (Mex)

Prior to visiting Argentina, the bulk of the wine I had ever consumed was contained by a bag or box. I regularly enjoyed some of Australia's finest cask wine and only ever of the white variety. However, my recent trip through Argentina and Chile opened my eyes to the wonders of Chilean Red Wine. Never in my life have I ever had a 'go to' type of wine. All of that has changed and Cabernet Sauvignon is now a friend, like an old geography teacher or former mentor.

When I stumbled upon this pack of crisps in a Mexican supermarket, I thought this would be only fitting, given my newfound adoration for inedible pressed grapes. So I decided to fire up the old beast again - The Crisp Connoisseur.

Sabritas have made a very strange flavoured crisp, likened more to a wine of pure witchcraft/wet gravel Red bordeaux than a fruity cab sav. The bag itself reads 'Corte Mas Grueso' which means thicker cut. Somewhere between a thin cut crisp and cauldron cooked. The flavour is interesting and like nothing I have ever tried before. You would probably find an accurate description of this flavour somewhere between 'Dehydrated Argentinian Steak smoothie' and 'Chipotle Wine'. I did not find myself compelled to finish of the packet which does not bode well for the risky variety. However, the rat that ransacked my bag in the night appears to have enjoyed them.

I've got the tshirt, I can tell the story so I won't be buying these again. ⋆

Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot (Aus)

Once upon a time Red Rock Deli were the little guys. The sickeningly over flavoured evil cousin of the cauldron cooked giant, Kettle. While Red Rock Deli brought out all kinds of crazy fusions, like a mad scientist attempting to clone his dead wife, Kettle stood steadfast and strong with their 'Honey Baked Ham', 'Original Salted' and 'Salt & Vinegar'. But the times, like the outfits at a Culture Club gig, are changing.

These days Kettle are shaking in their boots. They've gone and renamed 'Original' to 'Sea Salt'. La dee dah! They've gone all posh and introduced an overly descriptive flavour of their own, in 'Parmesan & Sweet Roasted Garlic'. Ain't nobody got time for that! In the past I have been critical of the overly descriptive, posh sounding crisp varieties and this, Ladies and Gentleman, has got to be the poshest - 'Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot'.

Like any self respecting cauldron cooked crisp, 'Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot' have a fantastic crunch. Lots of folded and bubble crisps. Some crisps are actually thicker than others which is a wonderful treat as one masticates their way through the packet.

But we're not here to have sexual relations with spiders, are we?. You want the real verdict and that involves how some fancy vinegar and grass translates to the crisp world. And I have to say, as surprised as I was, they are actually not bad. They taste a bit like salad dressing and somehow that is not awful. I feel as though I have just popped the cork of a late harvest Semillon. ⋆⋆⋆

OLW - Waffle Cut Chedder & Chipotle (SWE)

My partner purchased this particular packet on a recent trip back to the home land, along with a plethora of other crisp varieties.

A bulk of my new selection was devoured in days but I hung on to this packet because I thought they may provide an outstanding review. I could feel it in my waters.

So here we are. And for anyone interested in the creative process I have initiated in order to complete another installment of the Crisp Connoisseur, I have opened the packet and emptied it's crispy goodness into a glass bowl, sat beside a chilled mineral water.

Unfortunately, this is where the disappointment began. Waffle Cut crisps are meant to be like crinkle cut crisps sliced through the middle and reassembled at a 90 degree angle. But what I have is a million tiny little pieces of crisp rubble. Perhaps I should not have expected more from a packet of crisps that flew over continents, but it still may be worth a stern email to Qatar Airways.

From the few remaining 'intact' crisps the experience was inconsistent. Some crisps are crunchy and crispy and some just break into fine powder like quality gram of... ground turmeric. Yeah, turmeric.

As for the flavour, again my expectation were too high. Chipotle should have as much punch as a 18th Birthday in Cancun, but I was at a 50th Birthday in a Nunnery. Of the flavour available, I found it to be a little sickening. This was a packet that I could not polish off. ⋆⋆

Simba – Smoked Beef (SA)

So I finally got around to these crisps. They were given to me by a colleague after his family trip to South Africa and prior to my year long hiatus from the Crisp Connoisseur persona. Simba – Smoked Beef are a fine crinkle cut potato crisp. Reminiscent of Ruffles, for those of you familiar with the now deceased Aussie favourite.

By simply looking in to the packet I’m holding back tears like the moment Mufasa’s trampled body appears through the clearing dust of a wildebeest stamped! They are a pale, sad looking bunch.

The senses continue to be assaulted with a smell similar to that of a freshly open packet of rubber gloves. A similar texture to Ruffles with plenty of crunch.

As for flavour, they do taste meaty but if I’m being honest, I may not be the best to judge as I am not an avid meat eater. To me they taste more like something you may find decaying on the plains of Sub-Saharan Africa.

Of course all of the above could simply be a symptom of a packet of crisps that were purchased so long ago that they are now heavily out of date! Never the less I managed to finish the entire pack. The night ahead should be interesting. ⋆

Hooplas – Sour Cream & Chives (Aus)

I mean, you know me, right? I’m a man that likes chilli, jalapeno, salt & vinegar, bold flavours. When you hear the words ‘sour cream and chives’ you don’t exactly start drooling like a St. Bernard at a Meatloaf concert! But these little rings are surprising. They are essentially an Australian version of the English favourite ‘KP’s Hula Hoops’.

In the past I have drawn light to misleading notions displayed on the packaging on many of our favourite crisps. However, I have to say that to Hooplas credit, they have some of the most factual packaging’s that I have ever seen! They claim to be ‘crispy and crunchy’; Correct! They claim to be ‘bursting with flavour’; Also correct!  They also claim to be ‘deliciously itsy bitsy’. Now I don’t know what ‘itsy bitsy’ has to do with being delicious, but they most certainly are delicious AND ‘itsy bitsy’. Normally I would be concerned with ‘itsy bitsy’. ‘Itsy bitsy’ is something to which I would rarely subscribe.

There is nothing more satisfying than biting down on a huge folded potato crisp. Not even putting a hot frying pan in cold water is that satisfying. Unfortunately, you do not get that kind of satisfaction from Hooplas. Like, they would be a very poor choice of vessel for an appetising dip but that is not their job. Hooplas only job is be eaten by the handful and they do that job very well! So well that I have just polished off an entire box! I enjoyed these Itsy bitsy rings of goodness and I am keen to see the good people at Hooplas expand their range of flavours. ⋆⋆⋆½

Arnott's Pizza Shapes (Aus)

I’ve been out the game for over a year now but when something monumental occurs, one can simply not stand idly by. You can consider this an open letter to decision makers at Arnott’s. Now I understand Shapes are not a crisp per se but they are a savory snack that I, like many other Australians, have enjoyed for many years. I even remember eating Barbecue and Pizza shapes on silver seats in my primary school playground. A boy of only 9 or 10 years, blown away by the ‘flavour you can see’! Of course, even in those early years, I understood that you cannot actually see flavour. Never the less, I was still thoroughly impressed.

Even some of the second tier flavours were still worth the occasional purchase. Chicken Crimpy and Nacho Cheese providing it was reduced to controlled portions. Despite the variety Arnott’s are able to offer, as far as I am concerned, Pizza have always been the Queen of the Arnott’s brand. However, there is no question that over these many years, it would seem that Mr Arnott has been running low on flavour or maybe he was just unable to see it. I, just like all other Pizza Shape aficionados, noticed that with each new purchase the flavour was becoming more and more sparse. Now I am no business man, but there must be some reason for the measly and declining seasoning on this national favourite. And I can only think that ‘flavour you can see’ is becoming exceedingly expensive and Arnott’s simply cannot exists with the supply of ample seasoning. I don’t know the actual reason but whatever it was, it has just moved heaven and earth.

Shapes have changed! Complete with new packaging, the tag line now no longer describes the indescribable. Rather it suggests that the good people at Arnott’s have addressed the injustice we’ve been experiencing for these many years - “Now with more flavour”. But the flavour has changed. No more flavour chunks but more of a dusting. In terms of the taste, it is similar but not quite and exact replica. The biscuit itself is a much lighter and crumblier. Easier digest if that is of particular interest to you. The end result is exceedingly disappointing. I couldn’t even finish this whole pack! There was nothing wrong with the old recipe. They just had the ratios wrong.

Coincidentally, I have also take the liberty of trying the Barbecue flavour which are much the same as described above.   ⋆½

Smith’s Limited Edition Pizza (Aus)

I have been angry with pizza recently. Last night I was perusing the frozen goods section in the freezer isle of my local Coles, attempting to scratch up a meal for the night. I managed to settle on the idea of pizza for the night and I immediately began scanning for the cheapest option available. To my disbelief, the cheapest ‘large’ pizza I could find was $7.00! My mind began ticking over with the equations that put effort, quality, taste and price in a heated altercation. To put things in to perspective for those you unaware, you can buy a large pizza at Domino’s for $5.50. It may not be a gourmet wood fire pizza with buffalo mozzarella but at $5.50, what we’re you expecting! Then I decided, just for a laugh, to check out what a plain pizza base might set me back. $4! By the time I top it with bocconcini, tomato paste, maybe some Kalamata olives and halved artichoke hearts, I may as well have booked a ticket to Napoli! With that said, a bag of Smith’s Limited Edition Pizza come in at a fraction of the price. Brought out just in time for the footy finals, I thought I better get a review in, just in case any of you punters were thinking about the same purchase for any finals parties this weekend. As usual, Smiths produce big, crunchy, quality, crinkle cut crisps. I suppose the emphasis is on the flavour in this case. Upon first bite I get a flavour similar to that of a Pizza Shape! Which I think is a good flavour to aim for, given the success of the Pizza Shape over the years. Pizza must be a difficult taste to recreate given that the flavour of a pizza can vary so much. The major folly of any crisp brand attempting the pizza flavour is over seasoning, creating an almost sickening packet of crisps. In this case I think Smiths have been careful not to over do it. I guess the best thing you can say about Smith’s Limited Edition Pizza is they weren’t not disappointing. Not nearly as disappointing as the price of pizzas you have to make yourself these days. As for their potential to improve your footy skills, despite claiming to the official chip of the AFL, I didn’t notice any increased willingness to assault anyone in a nightclub or proposition my team mates wife. ⋆⋆½

Thomas Chipman - Parsnip Chips (Aus)

You may already be aware that I enjoy crisps. Perhaps you could say that I enjoy crisps too much. I have been known to devour entire 250gm packets of crisps without lifting so much as an eye lid. When I purchased Thomas Chipman’s take on the humble Parsnip crisp, I was filled with anticipation because my last brush with Parsnip crisps remains so vivid in my memory. If you have already read my post on Terra - Zesty Tomato Exotic Vegetable Chips you would know how thrilled I was with their crispy root vegetable combination and I can assure you that Terra’s parsnip crisps were the stand out performer! Unfortunately, for old mate Chipman this is not the case. Upon first glance into the open packet, one could easily be convinced that Thomas Chipman had gathered up some dry, old leaves from the garden and packaged them up. Upon first bite the disappointment overwhelming! They are about as crunchy as the disregarded last end slice of bread in a poorly sealed bag. They look and taste like they have been over-cooked or even burnt! Scorched like the simoom of the Sahara desert. Of course, flavour can always be redeemed with ample application of seasoning but, it is with much sorrow that I have to say that once again, this is not the case. In fact, the salt is so scarcely sprinkled on the parsnip crisps that I can only assume that Thomas Chipman does not have any direct access to a reasonable supply of salt and he is forced to fill his pockets with those tiny sachets of salt every time he visits McDonalds. I would love to finish this review with some kind of redeeming factor for Thomas Chipman Parsnip chips, but any positive remark I could make would be pure lies. Even I could not bring myself to bottom of this packet. ⋆

Red Rock Deli - Roast Chicken Lemon & Thyme (Aus)

This particular packet was purchased by a friend, specifically for this review, which is always a little bit exciting as the review becomes more of a challenge and I have been mulling this one over the last week or two. So let’s get in to it. This is my first review of Red Rock Deli crisps, which is surprising, as Red Rock Deli have really cemented themselves a place in the elite crisp bands in Australia. I even remember when Red Rock Deli first introduced themselves on to the market. At that time, the only brand I can remember making cauldron cooked crisps was Kettle and I don’t think I would have been the only person who thought Kettle were the best crisps on the Australian market. I even named this entire blog after my favourite Kettle flavour! So I believe it was a bold move for Red Rock to go head-to-head with Kettle in the cauldron cooked race. Over this time, one distinct difference between the two cauldron crisp heavyweights has become apparent and it is all in the flavouring. Since my childhood, to my aberration, Kettle have sparingly seasoned their crisps. Each crisps with less flavour than the last. I remember a time when a packet of Chilli Kettle chips could reduce me to a crying, sniffling mess. These days, after the economisation of brand, Chilli Kettle could barely trouble me to deep, cooling, wide mouthed breath. Red Rock Deli, on the other hand, has obviously made a point to create a crisp on the extreme opposite and Roast Chicken Lemon & Thyme are no exception. The flavour is overwhelming and unrelenting. The Lemon is full, the Thyme is lost and the chicken is controlling, like a Mexican wrestler on a Meer cat. With that said, there were a lot of bubble crisps in this packet which is always joyous. As I reluctantly devoured the contents of this packet, I found myself in a delicate predicament. Do I give a good review in exchange for the sentiment of free crisps??? or do continue with my profound, non-partisan, honest reporting? As you have probably already gathered, I feel it to be my duty to do the right thing by my readers and offer my sincere, conscientious opinion. Perhaps the trick with Red Rock Deli is not to eat the whole packet, but this is the conditioning I have prescribed to myself. This packet wasn't great but it was still not a complete waste of thyme. ⋆⋆½

John & John – Sea Salt & Black Pepper (UK)

Ever since my first Sea salt & Black pepper crisps experience, I have been quite partial to the lesser known and lesser exposed flavour. Luckily for me, on my housemate’s recent trip to Van Diemen's Land, he was kind enough to purchased me a packet of John & John – Sea salt & Black pepper. As I stated in my previous blog post, it is just this kind of independent crisp manufacturers that I am focusing on, so you can imagine my excitement when he handed me this elegant packet. Not to mention that John & John like to make cauldron cooked, skin on crisps – my favourite. Each crisp seems to be of different thickness which further enhances the ‘handmade’ feel. The packet is also full of folded crisps with more folds than an origami convention. And we all know folded crisps are the most satisfying to bite down on. John & John have also been careful not to make the crisps too peppery, which would be an easy trap to fall into. However, peppery enough to know it’s there; just like Demi Moore knew Patrick Swayze was there while she turned that alarmingly phallic clay pot. I don’t know who John or John is, or how they got so wise but they know how to make a good crisp. ⋆⋆⋆⋆

McClure’s - Spicy Pickle & Garlic Dill Pickle (US)

I guess sometimes I think to myself, what direction I would like this blog to be travelling. What is this blog meant to be about? Up until this point and certainly from the blurb above, one could assume that my aim was about uncovering the best of the best in the crisp world. Facilitating in the selection process when my readers are presented with an insurmountable selection of crisps and snacks. This would explain all of the high scores because I want to save my loyal readers the heart ache of purchasing an inferior packet of crisps. And anyone, who has managed stay even remotely familiar with my writings, may be of the opinion that all I do is find the spiciest crisps, which is not true. Spicy crisps just happen to be delicious! As many of you know, I do like independent brands doing great things and I would hope that my readers feel the same way. I would hope that, like me, when my readers see an interesting, different, new flavour, they are so overcomes by curiosity and fascination that they simple must try the little known snack. I have decided that this is the direction I would like to send this blog. A guide to the lesser known snacks. Like Solange in a sea of Beyonce’s or The Faces in a sea of The Rolling Stones. The relatively unknown McClure’s are exactly that. I found them in a posh grocery store in Richmond and the flavours immediately jumped out at me; Spicy Pickle and Garlic Dill Pickle. So I grabbed both packets with the excitement of a school boy of the last day of term. When I got home I noticed both packets were nearing their used by date. Which I thought was funny because there were a lot of packets left. In any case, I took my interesting packets home and tonight I decided to open one. I opened the Spicy Pickle first, obviously, and I smelt the contents. The strong aroma of dill filled my nostrils, which I must say was slightly disconcerting. I reached in a plucked out the first crinkle cut crisp. I took a bit, and realised very quickly that this is no Walkers Pickled Onion. Quite the contrary. These crisps are the pits! They are no good at all. They are hardly spicy and the flavour is like the contents a baby’s overflowing diaper!  I then opened the Garlic Dill Pickle and these we’re only one notch up on the belt of an anorexic cheerleader. While my rising unhappiness for these crisps may never cease, I am glad I tried them, so that you don’t have to. ⋆