Kettle Sriracha (USA)

It's a fusion of unquestionable magnitude. Everyone's favourite chilli sauce combined with the Don's of the cauldron cooked crisp world. Needless to say I was super excited to spot these in the supermarket.

Once I had calmed myself down with a cold Milo, over the fact the bag was only 1/3 full, I was ready to begin examining this exciting new variety. Unfortunately, comparatively to the Australian Kettle chips, Kettle Sriracha are kind of small but they still have an exceptional crunch and the packet contained lots of folded crisps, which is important. They have that Sriracha sweetness, like someone else's mildly racist and homophobic, but still endearing, grandma. Importantly, they're not too spicy - they're a spicy crisp for the everyman. They were about as difficult to finish as they were to buy. ⋆⋆⋆⋆

Yupi Rizadas Mayonesa (Columbia)

Mayonnaise crisps... What are you thinking? Maybe you are thinking 'these two things do not belong in the same packet'. Or, maybe you are thinking 'sounds reasonable, after all I squeeze mayonnaise on hot chips'. Or maybe you are thinking 'this is a fucking outrage and I refuse to accept that these crisps exist'. Or, maybe you're mind has wandered completely and you're now thinking about cat’s balls and how we never really see them anymore and you'd forgotten they even exist. Whatever you're thinking about or whatever uneducated misconceptions you may have about Mayonnaise crisps, forget it!

These crisps are delicious. Yupi have a created a crisp with fantastic crunch. They're greasy but you'd still invite them over to meet your mother. A small ridge crinkle cut crisp - think Ruffles. The UK and Australia need to sharpen up their act because mayonnaise crisps are the way forward! ⋆⋆⋆⋆½

Sabritas Gourmet - Corte Grueso - Chile Pasilla al Vino Tinto (Mex)

Prior to visiting Argentina, the bulk of the wine I had ever consumed was contained by a bag or box. I regularly enjoyed some of Australia's finest cask wine and only ever of the white variety. However, my recent trip through Argentina and Chile opened my eyes to the wonders of Chilean Red Wine. Never in my life have I ever had a 'go to' type of wine. All of that has changed and Cabernet Sauvignon is now a friend, like an old geography teacher or former mentor.

When I stumbled upon this pack of crisps in a Mexican supermarket, I thought this would be only fitting, given my newfound adoration for inedible pressed grapes. So I decided to fire up the old beast again - The Crisp Connoisseur.

Sabritas have made a very strange flavoured crisp, likened more to a wine of pure witchcraft/wet gravel Red bordeaux than a fruity cab sav. The bag itself reads 'Corte Mas Grueso' which means thicker cut. Somewhere between a thin cut crisp and cauldron cooked. The flavour is interesting and like nothing I have ever tried before. You would probably find an accurate description of this flavour somewhere between 'Dehydrated Argentinian Steak smoothie' and 'Chipotle Wine'. I did not find myself compelled to finish of the packet which does not bode well for the risky variety. However, the rat that ransacked my bag in the night appears to have enjoyed them.

I've got the tshirt, I can tell the story so I won't be buying these again. ⋆

Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot (Aus)

Once upon a time Red Rock Deli were the little guys. The sickeningly over flavoured evil cousin of the cauldron cooked giant, Kettle. While Red Rock Deli brought out all kinds of crazy fusions, like a mad scientist attempting to clone his dead wife, Kettle stood steadfast and strong with their 'Honey Baked Ham', 'Original Salted' and 'Salt & Vinegar'. But the times, like the outfits at a Culture Club gig, are changing.

These days Kettle are shaking in their boots. They've gone and renamed 'Original' to 'Sea Salt'. La dee dah! They've gone all posh and introduced an overly descriptive flavour of their own, in 'Parmesan & Sweet Roasted Garlic'. Ain't nobody got time for that! In the past I have been critical of the overly descriptive, posh sounding crisp varieties and this, Ladies and Gentleman, has got to be the poshest - 'Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot'.

Like any self respecting cauldron cooked crisp, 'Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot' have a fantastic crunch. Lots of folded and bubble crisps. Some crisps are actually thicker than others which is a wonderful treat as one masticates their way through the packet.

But we're not here to have sexual relations with spiders, are we?. You want the real verdict and that involves how some fancy vinegar and grass translates to the crisp world. And I have to say, as surprised as I was, they are actually not bad. They taste a bit like salad dressing and somehow that is not awful. I feel as though I have just popped the cork of a late harvest Semillon. ⋆⋆⋆

OLW - Waffle Cut Chedder & Chipotle (SWE)

My partner purchased this particular packet on a recent trip back to the home land, along with a plethora of other crisp varieties.

A bulk of my new selection was devoured in days but I hung on to this packet because I thought they may provide an outstanding review. I could feel it in my waters.

So here we are. And for anyone interested in the creative process I have initiated in order to complete another installment of the Crisp Connoisseur, I have opened the packet and emptied it's crispy goodness into a glass bowl, sat beside a chilled mineral water.

Unfortunately, this is where the disappointment began. Waffle Cut crisps are meant to be like crinkle cut crisps sliced through the middle and reassembled at a 90 degree angle. But what I have is a million tiny little pieces of crisp rubble. Perhaps I should not have expected more from a packet of crisps that flew over continents, but it still may be worth a stern email to Qatar Airways.

From the few remaining 'intact' crisps the experience was inconsistent. Some crisps are crunchy and crispy and some just break into fine powder like quality gram of... ground turmeric. Yeah, turmeric.

As for the flavour, again my expectation were too high. Chipotle should have as much punch as a 18th Birthday in Cancun, but I was at a 50th Birthday in a Nunnery. Of the flavour available, I found it to be a little sickening. This was a packet that I could not polish off. ⋆⋆

Simba – Smoked Beef (SA)

So I finally got around to these crisps. They were given to me by a colleague after his family trip to South Africa and prior to my year long hiatus from the Crisp Connoisseur persona. Simba – Smoked Beef are a fine crinkle cut potato crisp. Reminiscent of Ruffles, for those of you familiar with the now deceased Aussie favourite.

By simply looking in to the packet I’m holding back tears like the moment Mufasa’s trampled body appears through the clearing dust of a wildebeest stamped! They are a pale, sad looking bunch.

The senses continue to be assaulted with a smell similar to that of a freshly open packet of rubber gloves. A similar texture to Ruffles with plenty of crunch.

As for flavour, they do taste meaty but if I’m being honest, I may not be the best to judge as I am not an avid meat eater. To me they taste more like something you may find decaying on the plains of Sub-Saharan Africa.

Of course all of the above could simply be a symptom of a packet of crisps that were purchased so long ago that they are now heavily out of date! Never the less I managed to finish the entire pack. The night ahead should be interesting. ⋆

Hooplas – Sour Cream & Chives (Aus)

I mean, you know me, right? I’m a man that likes chilli, jalapeno, salt & vinegar, bold flavours. When you hear the words ‘sour cream and chives’ you don’t exactly start drooling like a St. Bernard at a Meatloaf concert! But these little rings are surprising. They are essentially an Australian version of the English favourite ‘KP’s Hula Hoops’.

In the past I have drawn light to misleading notions displayed on the packaging on many of our favourite crisps. However, I have to say that to Hooplas credit, they have some of the most factual packaging’s that I have ever seen! They claim to be ‘crispy and crunchy’; Correct! They claim to be ‘bursting with flavour’; Also correct!  They also claim to be ‘deliciously itsy bitsy’. Now I don’t know what ‘itsy bitsy’ has to do with being delicious, but they most certainly are delicious AND ‘itsy bitsy’. Normally I would be concerned with ‘itsy bitsy’. ‘Itsy bitsy’ is something to which I would rarely subscribe.

There is nothing more satisfying than biting down on a huge folded potato crisp. Not even putting a hot frying pan in cold water is that satisfying. Unfortunately, you do not get that kind of satisfaction from Hooplas. Like, they would be a very poor choice of vessel for an appetising dip but that is not their job. Hooplas only job is be eaten by the handful and they do that job very well! So well that I have just polished off an entire box! I enjoyed these Itsy bitsy rings of goodness and I am keen to see the good people at Hooplas expand their range of flavours. ⋆⋆⋆½