Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot (Aus)

Once upon a time Red Rock Deli were the little guys. The sickeningly over flavoured evil cousin of the cauldron cooked giant, Kettle. While Red Rock Deli brought out all kinds of crazy fusions, like a mad scientist attempting to clone his dead wife, Kettle stood steadfast and strong with their 'Honey Baked Ham', 'Original Salted' and 'Salt & Vinegar'. But the times, like the outfits at a Culture Club gig, are changing.

These days Kettle are shaking in their boots. They've gone and renamed 'Original' to 'Sea Salt'. La dee dah! They've gone all posh and introduced an overly descriptive flavour of their own, in 'Parmesan & Sweet Roasted Garlic'. Ain't nobody got time for that! In the past I have been critical of the overly descriptive, posh sounding crisp varieties and this, Ladies and Gentleman, has got to be the poshest - 'Red Rock Deli Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot'.

Like any self respecting cauldron cooked crisp, 'Special Reserve Champagne Vinaigrette & Shallot' have a fantastic crunch. Lots of folded and bubble crisps. Some crisps are actually thicker than others which is a wonderful treat as one masticates their way through the packet.

But we're not here to have sexual relations with spiders, are we?. You want the real verdict and that involves how some fancy vinegar and grass translates to the crisp world. And I have to say, as surprised as I was, they are actually not bad. They taste a bit like salad dressing and somehow that is not awful. I feel as though I have just popped the cork of a late harvest Semillon. ⋆⋆⋆

OLW - Waffle Cut Chedder & Chipotle (SWE)

My partner purchased this particular packet on a recent trip back to the home land, along with a plethora of other crisp varieties.

A bulk of my new selection was devoured in days but I hung on to this packet because I thought they may provide an outstanding review. I could feel it in my waters.

So here we are. And for anyone interested in the creative process I have initiated in order to complete another installment of the Crisp Connoisseur, I have opened the packet and emptied it's crispy goodness into a glass bowl, sat beside a chilled mineral water.

Unfortunately, this is where the disappointment began. Waffle Cut crisps are meant to be like crinkle cut crisps sliced through the middle and reassembled at a 90 degree angle. But what I have is a million tiny little pieces of crisp rubble. Perhaps I should not have expected more from a packet of crisps that flew over continents, but it still may be worth a stern email to Qatar Airways.

From the few remaining 'intact' crisps the experience was inconsistent. Some crisps are crunchy and crispy and some just break into fine powder like quality gram of... ground turmeric. Yeah, turmeric.

As for the flavour, again my expectation were too high. Chipotle should have as much punch as a 18th Birthday in Cancun, but I was at a 50th Birthday in a Nunnery. Of the flavour available, I found it to be a little sickening. This was a packet that I could not polish off. ⋆⋆

Simba – Smoked Beef (SA)

So I finally got around to these crisps. They were given to me by a colleague after his family trip to South Africa and prior to my year long hiatus from the Crisp Connoisseur persona. Simba – Smoked Beef are a fine crinkle cut potato crisp. Reminiscent of Ruffles, for those of you familiar with the now deceased Aussie favourite.

By simply looking in to the packet I’m holding back tears like the moment Mufasa’s trampled body appears through the clearing dust of a wildebeest stamped! They are a pale, sad looking bunch.

The senses continue to be assaulted with a smell similar to that of a freshly open packet of rubber gloves. A similar texture to Ruffles with plenty of crunch.

As for flavour, they do taste meaty but if I’m being honest, I may not be the best to judge as I am not an avid meat eater. To me they taste more like something you may find decaying on the plains of Sub-Saharan Africa.

Of course all of the above could simply be a symptom of a packet of crisps that were purchased so long ago that they are now heavily out of date! Never the less I managed to finish the entire pack. The night ahead should be interesting. ⋆

Hooplas – Sour Cream & Chives (Aus)

I mean, you know me, right? I’m a man that likes chilli, jalapeno, salt & vinegar, bold flavours. When you hear the words ‘sour cream and chives’ you don’t exactly start drooling like a St. Bernard at a Meatloaf concert! But these little rings are surprising. They are essentially an Australian version of the English favourite ‘KP’s Hula Hoops’.

In the past I have drawn light to misleading notions displayed on the packaging on many of our favourite crisps. However, I have to say that to Hooplas credit, they have some of the most factual packaging’s that I have ever seen! They claim to be ‘crispy and crunchy’; Correct! They claim to be ‘bursting with flavour’; Also correct!  They also claim to be ‘deliciously itsy bitsy’. Now I don’t know what ‘itsy bitsy’ has to do with being delicious, but they most certainly are delicious AND ‘itsy bitsy’. Normally I would be concerned with ‘itsy bitsy’. ‘Itsy bitsy’ is something to which I would rarely subscribe.

There is nothing more satisfying than biting down on a huge folded potato crisp. Not even putting a hot frying pan in cold water is that satisfying. Unfortunately, you do not get that kind of satisfaction from Hooplas. Like, they would be a very poor choice of vessel for an appetising dip but that is not their job. Hooplas only job is be eaten by the handful and they do that job very well! So well that I have just polished off an entire box! I enjoyed these Itsy bitsy rings of goodness and I am keen to see the good people at Hooplas expand their range of flavours. ⋆⋆⋆½

Arnott's Pizza Shapes (Aus)

I’ve been out the game for over a year now but when something monumental occurs, one can simply not stand idly by. You can consider this an open letter to decision makers at Arnott’s. Now I understand Shapes are not a crisp per se but they are a savory snack that I, like many other Australians, have enjoyed for many years. I even remember eating Barbecue and Pizza shapes on silver seats in my primary school playground. A boy of only 9 or 10 years, blown away by the ‘flavour you can see’! Of course, even in those early years, I understood that you cannot actually see flavour. Never the less, I was still thoroughly impressed.

Even some of the second tier flavours were still worth the occasional purchase. Chicken Crimpy and Nacho Cheese providing it was reduced to controlled portions. Despite the variety Arnott’s are able to offer, as far as I am concerned, Pizza have always been the Queen of the Arnott’s brand. However, there is no question that over these many years, it would seem that Mr Arnott has been running low on flavour or maybe he was just unable to see it. I, just like all other Pizza Shape aficionados, noticed that with each new purchase the flavour was becoming more and more sparse. Now I am no business man, but there must be some reason for the measly and declining seasoning on this national favourite. And I can only think that ‘flavour you can see’ is becoming exceedingly expensive and Arnott’s simply cannot exists with the supply of ample seasoning. I don’t know the actual reason but whatever it was, it has just moved heaven and earth.

Shapes have changed! Complete with new packaging, the tag line now no longer describes the indescribable. Rather it suggests that the good people at Arnott’s have addressed the injustice we’ve been experiencing for these many years - “Now with more flavour”. But the flavour has changed. No more flavour chunks but more of a dusting. In terms of the taste, it is similar but not quite and exact replica. The biscuit itself is a much lighter and crumblier. Easier digest if that is of particular interest to you. The end result is exceedingly disappointing. I couldn’t even finish this whole pack! There was nothing wrong with the old recipe. They just had the ratios wrong.

Coincidentally, I have also take the liberty of trying the Barbecue flavour which are much the same as described above.   ⋆½